As I grow, one by one my initial dreams start to look naïve. I see through the dark complications. I grow.
When we were young, we all had high ambitions. They taught us in kindergartens to be friendly, to be honest and to play fair. We thought all the adults had the collage of virtues incorporated into them. We could rarely, if not never see through the adults’ mind. We thought they’re geniuses.
I see the politicians, I wanted to be like them, making stirring speeches. All that was needed is to be intelligent and work hard. I watch sports and competitions, I started dreaming of being as good as the participants, bathed in glory. All that was needed is talent and training. I thought the world was a fairytale. All we need to do is to use the values they’ve thought us, and we’re bound to succeed.
A few years later, things haven’t changed much. The geniuses seem to have countless lessons on life for us. They never run out of stories, never run out of experiences to be passed down. They tell us the evil of others, about conmen, and how we can infer and protect ourselves. Through the lenses they equipped us, we start seeing through others.
Time flies, we start seeing the imperfections of the society. The world is not a fairytale. Just following what they taught us is not enough. We start to have new goals, more mature and materialistic ones. We remove a few layers of the lenses given to us. We slowly start to develop our ability to see on our own.
Now, still with the shades of those completely removed lenses, we use our own eyes to see. They are still geniuses. Everyone who can’t see through them are being played, those few who can are agonizingly helpless. They have to live with it. Some of our goals are like mice’s goal of getting the cheese, they could have spent nights observing, practicing, planning and getting support, but it’s all a set-up. They can never get the cheese. They are just victims. They can’t outwit the humans. Even if they can, they can’t outmuscle them. Till they evolve.
I realize the complications as my limitless experience bag is being filled. I see the big picture and have big goals. Most things troubling others are minor to me. My composure seldom quivers. My hope seldom fades. I am an optimist.
“Life is a comedy for those who think... and a tragedy for those who feel.”
But I am the playwright of mine…
俗话说：“天下无不散之宴席”。是的，相聚的时间总是短暂的, 无论是如何的不忍面对离别, 还是得说再见。然而，没有离别的忧伤, 就没有相逢的喜悦；没有思念的痛苦，就没有重逢的感动。如果不说再见,如何能够再见？
Another Dark, Lonely, Silent Night...
Overcome with fatigue after a full day of activities, nevertheless, still thinking about her. What am I supposed to do now? Shall I just keep quiet and wait? No, I don’t have the patience.
But wait, if ‘tis true love, why mind waiting for a while? As a good friend has said “Do you want to hold her hand for a year, or be with each other for a life time?” it makes me reflect. Indeed, if it’s a lifelong love, why mind this short period of time? But once again, what if she has fallen for someone else in this period? I do notice a few signals of intent to someone else, but am I being too paranoid again? Inference of her words demoralise me, but is it that I’m just at the wrong place at the wrong time to start a conversation?
Looked through our past chat logs, and realised with agony how much she has changed within this short period of time. It’s all that damned incident! Why must it be addressed so late? Why must it happen at that time? Why didn’t it just be over and done with 2 months ago?! Well, I suppose I need to give her time to accept me again, but she’s leaving real soon. How I do pray she’s going to accept me again before she leaves; how I do hope she’ll at least talk to me!
I feel helpless. This feeling isn’t pleasant, not at all. I’ve never felt this way before, never so strongly. One with such strong character, yet so unconditionally succumbing to the torture of romance willingly, how much more madly fallen can I be! The power of love is no doubt the most powerful in the universe. In front of this power, I am just so vulnerable. And when it works against me, I can do nothing about it.
This helplessness makes me feel weak…
The Saturday evening settles down, with smells of steaks in passageways...
Not long after dinner, the shadow of the night gently looms over. As it gets deeper into the mysterious night, activities have halted, noises have ceased, everything around seems to have silently come to a standstill. I glazed out the windows. A sleek BMW glides through the serene landscape of the meandering street. The only audible sound is the calm melody of Paul Collier's "Slow down" echoing through the walls of the house. Tranquillity rules.
As the beautiful melody progresses, I can't help but reflect on the meaningful day that marks the end of a nightmarish chapter of my life. People say that "before guys go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about." Well, to me, this is certainly true, because what I'm doing now is a testimonial to the thesis. Most heartily I’d like to tell you, that you are the one I care for the most. You may not know that right from day one, I had this strong, unknown sense of duty to to protect you for the rest of your life. As time passed, this sense of duty has motivated me to have the wish to shower you with love, to embrace you with warmth, and to give the whole of my heart to you.
Over the past few weeks, I have been really paranoid about what you’ve been thinking of me. I could sense that you have started to distance yourself from me. I desperately tried to cling on. I tried to test you on several occasions, hoping to discover that I was just thinking too much, but only to realise that my worst fear was getting closer to being reality. Those nights, I was always half asleep, thinking about you, thinking about how to regain your trust, thinking about what to say to you the next day. I’d abruptly wake up on several occasions, thinking that you have finally replied my message, only to realise that dreams are so vulnerable in front of reality. Every afternoon after school, I’d straightaway lay in bed and try to sleep, because only then, could I forget about how you have changed and soar in the skies of dreamland. Unfailingly, u always appear in my semi-conscious mind. Everything that I did reminded me of you. Then, I finally mustered up the courage to talk to you about it, I knew that if this goes on, we’d just remain the way we were and I’ll forever stay in misery. Truth be told, I was 100% honest to you, there’s nothing I have hidden, nothing I am hiding and nothing I will ever hide from you. You just mean so much to me..
As this chapter is marked with a full stop, i sincerely hope you'll start anew with me and pen a brand new chapter together. a lovelier one, a sweeter one, a better one.
To be absolutely honest, I am not sure if you have really forgiven me. Perhaps not yet, but with all of my heart, I hope you will. Because you are everything to me.